nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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