one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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