i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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