Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
