So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
