I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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