if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
