Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
