If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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