I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
