i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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