your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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