Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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