I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
