boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
