dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ladies don't puke and tell
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
