Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
