marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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