i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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