All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
