Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
