suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
