my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
