My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
