the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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