i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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