you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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