all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
