Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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