Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
two words: eviction party
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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