If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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