my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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