She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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