well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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