if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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