I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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