On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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