I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
