i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
