totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
