I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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