Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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