we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
