how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
