it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
