Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
