Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
