Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
