do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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