i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
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the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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