I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
