Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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