she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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