So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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