why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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