i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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