Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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